Beware Expectations
Of course it’s right that we should have certain societal & personal expectations: being treated with respect, receiving our pay cheque at the end of the month, that everyone will drive on the left hand side of the road.
Our capacity to predict what’s going to happen next in the world enables us to function in it.
Expectations create boundaries, safety, a projection of a future outcome that can motivate our direction, a framework for social living.
We have our own expectations and also feel the pressure of others on us. Either of those, when not met, have the capacity to make us feel unsafe, confused, frustrated, disappointment, conflicted, angry, have self doubt or blame or shame.
When we become parents we have to deal with a HUGE shift in expectations on literally every level and it’s impossible to prepare for this.
It’s a very difficult going to bed expecting to be woken up 5 times in the night!
We also bring to parenting our own experience of being parented & this will have brought subconscious or very conscious expectations about how we want things to be, or not to be.
Then we discover that our child will have their own personality that may not fit the mould of our expectations. This can create huge amounts of inner and outer conflict.
As my eldest daughter is about to turn 20, I’m able to reflect on how I shaped up as a parent. I’m absolutely sure that I could have done a lot of things better, but I’m also very proud that I managed to adapt my expectations of her and myself, and some expectations I simply let go of. It was conscious, it had to be. We struggled with undiagnosed ADHD & Oppositional Defiant Disorder for 15 years & it was hard for all of us. I think what I got right was allowing things to be as they were and not battling to make them how I wanted them.
As I write that I notice a reluctance to give an example, for fear of being judged by others. At the time I was judged by onlookers who had their own expectations & no understanding of the day to day issues. Other peoples expectations caused me a huge amount of doubt, upset and anger.
Judging others comes from noting that they are doing things differently to how you would do them and putting yourself above them for their choices. It proved a useful tool for working out who I wanted to have around me.
Maybe, if you are struggling, take a moment to reflect and see if expectations are playing any part in your conflict. Are they coming from you or from others? Are they reasonable or unhelpful? Are you judging yourself or letting yourself be influenced or hurt by others judging you?
This exercise gives you a chance to question, ignore, adapt, let go accordingly.
Brigid Godwin